People Of Phoenix: Super Bum Schitzophrenic

People Of Phoenix!! Much like People Of Walmart, This is going to be a special segment dedicated to those special people in Phoenix that help make my day to day interesting!

This specific post is not meant to be funny necessarily, because mental illness isn't funny, but this situation...had me laughing!

So I go outside to smoke a cig at work, and Super Bum, one of our local bums that walk around here was having a lovely, LOUD conversation with himself. A little background..I call him "Super Bum" because this guy is about 60-65 years old, with an 8 pack of rock hard abs, and giant arm muscles. He's got brown leather tanned skin from being exposed to the sun through years of homelessness. I occasionally see him walking around or sitting on the curb curling his backpack as if they were weights.

Anyway....

So I'm outside and I hear his conversation with himself..Something along the lines of:

 "I'll fucking burn you! I'll set your ass on fire and kick you in the fucking face! Don't talk to ME like that! Talk to me like that again and I'll be blowing your house apart!"

I am staring at him listening, completely entertained while smoking my cig, and he looks over. SHIT! He locked eyes with me. I see him start to cross the street heading towards me. I get up and go inside (DUH)...He makes it about half way across the street, then seemed to be suddenly exhausted because he sat down in the middle of the road...still arguing with himself.

After a few minutes of this, he seemed to come to an agreement with his inner self, be cause he screamed OK THANKS, JESUS! He then got up real casually, and walked back to the sidewalk, then kept going as if he snapped right out of it.

I wish I'd have gotten his picture! I'm usually really good about that but this time I didn't think fast enough. I am sure I will get my chance as I see this guy every weeks at least once!

So to satisfy your thirst for photos, here are a few fresh out of our local magazine "The Phoenix Slammer"


                                                      Long Hair Don't Care

Jonathan Casias -

 Assault

Pouty Party Pooper

Crystal Bonsall -

Failure To Pay Fines/Fees
Issuing Bad Check

Harold Sans Kumar Snagged In Phoenix

Brandon William Leiberman-

 

Driving With Suspended License

DWI (Imagine that?!)

 

Sleepy Slammer

Samantha Dawn DeBarge-

Dangerous Drug Poss/Use
Narcotic Drug Poss/Use
Drug Parapernalia Poss/Use
Shoplifting/Concealment

Flash Fool

Roberto Juneo Nephi-

 

Drug Paraphernalia Poss/Use

Drive W/ Sus Lic

Fail To Show Lic or ID

DRUG PARAPHERNALIA-POSSESS/USE

DRIVE W/LIC SUSP/REVOKE/CANC

FAIL TO SHOW DRIV LIC OR ID

 

Stay tuned for the next People Of Phoenix post!

Just For Shits & Giggles!

You Know You're From Arizona WHEN....

- You laugh (A LOT!) at Easterners who think 80 degrees is hot.

 - When the temperature drops below 70 degrees, you're cold, and immediately require the heater, or a sweat shirt!

 - You'd rather park a mile away from the store in the shade than take a front-door spot in the sun.

- You swear that about 99% of the people here drive either a Prius or a big ass lifted SUV/truck.

 - You've heard the phrase so many times, you want to punch someone in the face every time they say it: "It's a dry heat!"

 - You find postcards featuring skeletons and cacti not funny, but scarily accurate.

 - Every other house is made of adobe and has a yard full of decorative rocks, cacti and palms.

 - You know how to pronounce "Cholla," "Saguaro," "Tucson," "Tempe" and "San Xavier Del Bac," despite never having taken any Spanish.

 - You laugh when your Eastern friend think you're crazy for loving those rare and wonderful cloudy/rainy days!!!

- You view snowbirds as cheaters.  How dare they enjoy the Phoenix winter months without putting in their mandatory time in the 100+ degree summer like the rest of us!!

 - You don't think girls who wear shorts in January are crazy, because you're aware that they probably don't own any pants.

- You've attended a party in the desert!

- You go out and about without carrying a bottle of water in your bag

- You can't go for 6 months before you repair your broken windshield wipes

- You think the only restaurants in strip malls are fast food joints, and if they're not , they should have misting systems installed!

- Your driver's license expires before 2051

- You don't have to prepay at the pump!

- You know how to drive in rain!

- You honestly think to yourself "It's only going to be 107 degrees today, so not too bad!!"

- You can swim outdoors, at midnight and it's still warm!

-Hot-air balloons can't go up past 6AM, because the air outside is hotter than the air
inside.

-You realize Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

- Can't take the dog for a walk because the pavement is too hot for his feet.
-You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

- You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

- You are angry you actually have to put on shoes with laces rather than slipping into flip-flops on your way out the door.

- You remember “that one time it snowed in Phoenix” in 2006 LOL!

 - You've considered wearing oven mitts to open a car door, put on a seatbelt, and hold a steering wheel...You realize a sock and gloves are a better option!

- Wearing a scarf is strange, mysterious, and stifling!

 - Your TV schedule changes twice a year because of the state's refusal to follow Daylight Savings. (Sure, we're stubborn, but DST is also totally pointless for AZ.)

 - To you, "Snow Day" is nothing but a bad movie.

- You know to roll your windows up and get the hell off the road during a HABOOB!

- You only have gym class outside between November and February—otherwise, it's too darn hot.

 - You have to go all the way to Flagstaff to see trees that aren't Palm or Palo Verde.

- People here don't have rat or termite problems—they have rattler or scorpion problems.

 - You hate the Lakers. And the Dodgers. And pretty much every L.A. sports team, really.

 - You've definitely heard of this thing called "humidity," but you still think it's just a myth.

 - Steve Nash is your hometown hero, even though he's Canadian.




Add your own!!!

Agressive Behavior

I have always been kind of a "Back Seat Driver"...Quite literally actually! There is a story my family likes to tell people, in which I am 3 years old, sitting in the backseat, probably not even able to see out the window, and my dad was driving. He HONKS his horn, and without a hitch I yell from my seat "Watch it, LADY!"... It happened to be my uncle driving the other vehicle and my dad was just saying "HI!" with a friendly honk!

Well that attribute never seemed to leave me. Now that I live in the lovely "melting pot"..or oven as I lovingly call Phoenix, where driver's licenses are valid for LITERALLY 50 years, and old people flock to The Valley because their paper thin skin is sensitive to anything colder than 85 degrees, I find myself being "That Driver".

Impatient. Driving is something I LOVE, love, love to do. I'm an excellent driver, and I feel like I am the most at peace with myself, and get my best thinking done while driving! The scenery here is amazing...an entirely different planet than where I grew up! Mountains, palm trees, bronzes, golds and reds, as opposed to hills, green grass, and real trees!

Something about stupid, slow, or old drivers JUST reallllly gets to me! I am that psycho bitch that will let you crawl up my ass on the road and slam on my breaks (usually I'm doing at least 5 over so if you're in THAT big of a hurry and can't go around me, tough shit, bitch!) I'm pretty sure nobody here knows how to use their turn signals, or if they do, they turn on the wrong one, and leave it on for 20 miles...or if they use it properly, they do it 1/2 a cunt hair before they turn so you have to SLAM on your brakes to avoid hitting their precious, precocious Prius, and smashing it into smitherines.Throw in the Light Rail, suicide lanes, and HOV lanes and it's a recipe for disaster!

On the way home from work last night I encountered the following drivers:

1.) Middle aged Asian female with at least 4 kids unbuckled in the back seat, driving with her blinker on in the fast line, going about 10 under the speed limit! WTF??!!

2.) Roughly 60 something year old white male (Scottsdale type) and lady in the passenger seat with HUGE oversized glasses on, in their '04 Jaguar, throwing her hands up in disbelief at a red light, while he revs his engine in masculinity...The light turns green and he doesn't even notice and proceeds to sit there while I drive off! HAHA...douche.

3.) Some fucknut in a beat up ass Nissan truck crawling up my ass because I'm not going 15 over the speed limit, so he tries to swerve all crazy around me, in order to speed up and pass me, only unbeknownst to him he pulled right behind a stopping city bus, and had to slam on his brakes, then sit there and wait until traffic on the other side let him over hahahahahah!!

It only takes me about 10 minutes to drive home from work, and this is the shit I see..!!!