People Of Phoenix: Super Bum Schitzophrenic

People Of Phoenix!! Much like People Of Walmart, This is going to be a special segment dedicated to those special people in Phoenix that help make my day to day interesting!

This specific post is not meant to be funny necessarily, because mental illness isn't funny, but this situation...had me laughing!

So I go outside to smoke a cig at work, and Super Bum, one of our local bums that walk around here was having a lovely, LOUD conversation with himself. A little background..I call him "Super Bum" because this guy is about 60-65 years old, with an 8 pack of rock hard abs, and giant arm muscles. He's got brown leather tanned skin from being exposed to the sun through years of homelessness. I occasionally see him walking around or sitting on the curb curling his backpack as if they were weights.

Anyway....

So I'm outside and I hear his conversation with himself..Something along the lines of:

 "I'll fucking burn you! I'll set your ass on fire and kick you in the fucking face! Don't talk to ME like that! Talk to me like that again and I'll be blowing your house apart!"

I am staring at him listening, completely entertained while smoking my cig, and he looks over. SHIT! He locked eyes with me. I see him start to cross the street heading towards me. I get up and go inside (DUH)...He makes it about half way across the street, then seemed to be suddenly exhausted because he sat down in the middle of the road...still arguing with himself.

After a few minutes of this, he seemed to come to an agreement with his inner self, be cause he screamed OK THANKS, JESUS! He then got up real casually, and walked back to the sidewalk, then kept going as if he snapped right out of it.

I wish I'd have gotten his picture! I'm usually really good about that but this time I didn't think fast enough. I am sure I will get my chance as I see this guy every weeks at least once!

So to satisfy your thirst for photos, here are a few fresh out of our local magazine "The Phoenix Slammer"


                                                      Long Hair Don't Care

Jonathan Casias -

 Assault

Pouty Party Pooper

Crystal Bonsall -

Failure To Pay Fines/Fees
Issuing Bad Check

Harold Sans Kumar Snagged In Phoenix

Brandon William Leiberman-

 

Driving With Suspended License

DWI (Imagine that?!)

 

Sleepy Slammer

Samantha Dawn DeBarge-

Dangerous Drug Poss/Use
Narcotic Drug Poss/Use
Drug Parapernalia Poss/Use
Shoplifting/Concealment

Flash Fool

Roberto Juneo Nephi-

 

Drug Paraphernalia Poss/Use

Drive W/ Sus Lic

Fail To Show Lic or ID

DRUG PARAPHERNALIA-POSSESS/USE

DRIVE W/LIC SUSP/REVOKE/CANC

FAIL TO SHOW DRIV LIC OR ID

 

Stay tuned for the next People Of Phoenix post!

Just For Shits & Giggles!

You Know You're From Arizona WHEN....

- You laugh (A LOT!) at Easterners who think 80 degrees is hot.

 - When the temperature drops below 70 degrees, you're cold, and immediately require the heater, or a sweat shirt!

 - You'd rather park a mile away from the store in the shade than take a front-door spot in the sun.

- You swear that about 99% of the people here drive either a Prius or a big ass lifted SUV/truck.

 - You've heard the phrase so many times, you want to punch someone in the face every time they say it: "It's a dry heat!"

 - You find postcards featuring skeletons and cacti not funny, but scarily accurate.

 - Every other house is made of adobe and has a yard full of decorative rocks, cacti and palms.

 - You know how to pronounce "Cholla," "Saguaro," "Tucson," "Tempe" and "San Xavier Del Bac," despite never having taken any Spanish.

 - You laugh when your Eastern friend think you're crazy for loving those rare and wonderful cloudy/rainy days!!!

- You view snowbirds as cheaters.  How dare they enjoy the Phoenix winter months without putting in their mandatory time in the 100+ degree summer like the rest of us!!

 - You don't think girls who wear shorts in January are crazy, because you're aware that they probably don't own any pants.

- You've attended a party in the desert!

- You go out and about without carrying a bottle of water in your bag

- You can't go for 6 months before you repair your broken windshield wipes

- You think the only restaurants in strip malls are fast food joints, and if they're not , they should have misting systems installed!

- Your driver's license expires before 2051

- You don't have to prepay at the pump!

- You know how to drive in rain!

- You honestly think to yourself "It's only going to be 107 degrees today, so not too bad!!"

- You can swim outdoors, at midnight and it's still warm!

-Hot-air balloons can't go up past 6AM, because the air outside is hotter than the air
inside.

-You realize Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.

- Can't take the dog for a walk because the pavement is too hot for his feet.
-You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

- You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

- You are angry you actually have to put on shoes with laces rather than slipping into flip-flops on your way out the door.

- You remember “that one time it snowed in Phoenix” in 2006 LOL!

 - You've considered wearing oven mitts to open a car door, put on a seatbelt, and hold a steering wheel...You realize a sock and gloves are a better option!

- Wearing a scarf is strange, mysterious, and stifling!

 - Your TV schedule changes twice a year because of the state's refusal to follow Daylight Savings. (Sure, we're stubborn, but DST is also totally pointless for AZ.)

 - To you, "Snow Day" is nothing but a bad movie.

- You know to roll your windows up and get the hell off the road during a HABOOB!

- You only have gym class outside between November and February—otherwise, it's too darn hot.

 - You have to go all the way to Flagstaff to see trees that aren't Palm or Palo Verde.

- People here don't have rat or termite problems—they have rattler or scorpion problems.

 - You hate the Lakers. And the Dodgers. And pretty much every L.A. sports team, really.

 - You've definitely heard of this thing called "humidity," but you still think it's just a myth.

 - Steve Nash is your hometown hero, even though he's Canadian.




Add your own!!!

Agressive Behavior

I have always been kind of a "Back Seat Driver"...Quite literally actually! There is a story my family likes to tell people, in which I am 3 years old, sitting in the backseat, probably not even able to see out the window, and my dad was driving. He HONKS his horn, and without a hitch I yell from my seat "Watch it, LADY!"... It happened to be my uncle driving the other vehicle and my dad was just saying "HI!" with a friendly honk!

Well that attribute never seemed to leave me. Now that I live in the lovely "melting pot"..or oven as I lovingly call Phoenix, where driver's licenses are valid for LITERALLY 50 years, and old people flock to The Valley because their paper thin skin is sensitive to anything colder than 85 degrees, I find myself being "That Driver".

Impatient. Driving is something I LOVE, love, love to do. I'm an excellent driver, and I feel like I am the most at peace with myself, and get my best thinking done while driving! The scenery here is amazing...an entirely different planet than where I grew up! Mountains, palm trees, bronzes, golds and reds, as opposed to hills, green grass, and real trees!

Something about stupid, slow, or old drivers JUST reallllly gets to me! I am that psycho bitch that will let you crawl up my ass on the road and slam on my breaks (usually I'm doing at least 5 over so if you're in THAT big of a hurry and can't go around me, tough shit, bitch!) I'm pretty sure nobody here knows how to use their turn signals, or if they do, they turn on the wrong one, and leave it on for 20 miles...or if they use it properly, they do it 1/2 a cunt hair before they turn so you have to SLAM on your brakes to avoid hitting their precious, precocious Prius, and smashing it into smitherines.Throw in the Light Rail, suicide lanes, and HOV lanes and it's a recipe for disaster!

On the way home from work last night I encountered the following drivers:

1.) Middle aged Asian female with at least 4 kids unbuckled in the back seat, driving with her blinker on in the fast line, going about 10 under the speed limit! WTF??!!

2.) Roughly 60 something year old white male (Scottsdale type) and lady in the passenger seat with HUGE oversized glasses on, in their '04 Jaguar, throwing her hands up in disbelief at a red light, while he revs his engine in masculinity...The light turns green and he doesn't even notice and proceeds to sit there while I drive off! HAHA...douche.

3.) Some fucknut in a beat up ass Nissan truck crawling up my ass because I'm not going 15 over the speed limit, so he tries to swerve all crazy around me, in order to speed up and pass me, only unbeknownst to him he pulled right behind a stopping city bus, and had to slam on his brakes, then sit there and wait until traffic on the other side let him over hahahahahah!!

It only takes me about 10 minutes to drive home from work, and this is the shit I see..!!!

19 Firefighters Just Killed In Arizona Fires

This is just so sad...

Tribune wire reports:

 

11:53 p.m. CDT, June 30, 2013

Nineteen firefighters were killed on Sunday battling a fast-moving wildfire in central Arizona that forced the evacuation of two small towns, fire officials said

. The firefighters perished in the so-called Yarnell Hill Fire, near the small town of Yarnell about 80 miles northwest of Phoenix, the U.S. Wildland Fire Aviation service said in a Facebook post.

"It has been confirmed that 19 wildland firefighters have lost their lives on the Yarnell Hill fire Arizona," the post said, adding that the agency was asking "for prayers for the families and friends of these brave men and women."
The toll marks the worst firefighter loss of life since 1933, when a blaze in L.A.'s Griffith Park killed at least 25.
Art Morrison of the Arizona State Forestry Commission told CNN the firefighters, members of an elite "hot shot" team, lost their lives Sunday afternoon when they were overtaken by swiftly moving flames.

"It was a hand crew, a hot shot crew. In normal circumstances, when you're digging fire lines, you make sure you have a good escape route, and you have a safety zone set up. Evidently, their safety zone wasn't big enough, and the fire just overtook them. By the time the other firefighters got in, they didn't survive," Morrison said.

 Morrison said there are normally 20 firefighters in a “hot shot” unit, and couldn’t explain why there were 19 victims.

 “Hopefully they went out with one short,” an emotional Morrison said.  “I started as a firefighter in 1968, and I’ve never seen anything like this.”

 The blaze has charred about 1,000 acres of tinder-dry chaparral and grasslands since erupting Friday. Heat wave conditions have plagued the Southwest, prompting the evacuation of scores of homes near Yarnell, fire officials said.

Local television news footage showed an unbroken line of flames stretching along a ridgeline, sending gray brown smoke billowing into the evening sky.

Authorities ordered the evacuation of Yarnell and the adjoining town of Peeples Valley, alerting residents through reverse 911 emergency calls to homes and sending sheriff's deputies door to door, according to the InciWeb fire news site of the U.S. Forest Service.

The two towns are home to roughly 1,000 people.

The Daily Courier Prescott newspaper said the dead were members of the Prescott Fire Department's Granite Mountain Hotshots team.

Copyright © 2013 Chicago Tribune Company, LLC

Random Shit Sunday!!!!

Love nothing more than a LAZY Sunday with my beautiful, psychotic 7 month old, and my napping hubby (Who the hell said you could go nap for 3 hours, fool?!) So we've been jamming to music and YouTubin' HILARIOUS-ness all day so I thought I'd include a few of our random ass favorites for you to enjoy as well! 

1.) Flula- This guy continually has me doing involuntary kegals to keep me from piddling my pants! Here is one of my favorites "Shooting Fish In A Barrel" ... Who doesn't love ridiculous American idoms that make NO sense?! Oh wait..this guy! He has a point though.......

2.) "Under The Bridge" LITERAL Version- I have seen this video many times, both stoned and not stoned, and trust me, it's funny either way! This song is one of the best to "narrate" literally to because it's just unbelievably random!Also..I just watched this video, so I'm not sure why the front of it has this strange Asian man?

3.) I didn't say ALL of these would be videos! I just thought this was really cute and fun!!

4.) OH MY GLOB....The Most Honest Three & A HALF Minutes of TV Ever! (Video)

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/7zZh5U/:1-VFBWHoA:PbYjzm5u/www.safeshare.tv/w/UAGOcLSuLX?ModPagespeed=noscript/


5.) HOLY shit! This fucker TEARS it UP! (Video)

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/16XAs1/:1MK.-vUwT:PbYjzm5u/www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiwmKMt6ZMs/


6.) Imagine Dragons -  "RADIOACTIVE"- Night Visions....Because it's just plain badass!

7.) My awesome friend's BLOG: http://loveisallyouwant.blogspot.com/http://loveisallyouwant.blogspot.com/


8.) LOLLLLLL

9.) Just thought I'd share that I cant help but pick my baby's nose...If it's crusty, or I see boogers, I HAVE to get it...I will not be one of those parents with snot nosed kids!! Well, I steal a boogie out of Luna's nose, and thought I had wiped it on a dry baby wipe. Apparently not, because I found it again 20 minutes later in my hair,,,gag!

10.) While we're on the random topic of boogers, here's another booger story: So my daughter has been trying to play with the nose aspirator...Y'know, the one they send home with you from the hospital? So I grabbed it, and was just squeezing it..I squeezed it probably 50 times before a puff of air from it hit her. She started LAUGHING hysterically! I continued to squeeze light puffs of air at her, all the while she's smiling and laughing and thinks it's hilarious when "POOF" the last squeeze plopped out a hidden booger from the deep abyss of the aspirator, RIGHT onto her head, and in her hair. I immediately gagged trying to get it off of her, while she's unaware of said "surprise booger" and continues to laugh as I dry heave trying to get it out still. SO GROSS....but I imagine telling her prom date these "gems" of stories 17  years from now!!

Annndddddd...It NEVER Fails!

FIFTEEN fucking minutes before we close up and leave..haven't had a customer in HOURS, some douchebag and his 16 year old daughter show up to look at cars! If I had ANY moisture left in my body, you'd see steam shoot out my ears!

1.) I doubt highly your teenage daughter needs a fucking Mercedes..not only could she NOT afford the down payment or monthly payment, she'll probably get in a wreck when she has 7 other teenagers in her car, jamming out to some Beiber or some shit, tryin' to text her "flame of the week"..I can hear it now!!! "Daddy, that concrete median came out of NOWHERE!!!! Can I borrow $17,885 dollars?"

2.) HOW rude? You see me bringing in the chairs, and flags, and getting ready to lock up, yet you decide to stop anyway. Really you are just going to fart around the lot, dragging my poor salesman around 10 different 170 degree cars just for us to find out you DONT ACTUALLY have money, you're just "Window Shopping"...

3.) I swear if you ask me for a bottle of water I am going to stab a hole in the side of it for wasting my time, and mooching free water. Either that or I'll tell you they're $3.00 a bottle and at least snag some energy drink money for myself!

4.) NO!....Just no.


Come back Monday after you've pawned all your valuables so that you can afford a down payment.....but no worries on our end, we'll probably REPO you in less than a month anyway. MUAHAHAHAHA.

Melting Off The Face Of The Earth

Soooo...It's about 118 degrees here in Sunny ass Phoenix, and you could probably throw a bowling ball down the main road outside and it wouldn't hit anyone.

Why? Because NO IDIOT is going to go search for a car to buy when their sweat literally boils, then evaporates clean off their body! Aside from that, who wants to spend a day like this scalding your ass cheeks off on 140 degree leather seats, or getting 2nd degree burns on your hands from a fucking seat belt buckle!!? Nobody with any common sense that is!

Yes....Yes it does.

So, instead I have spent my afternoon facebooking and listening to music because my boss graciously left early!

Before that?

We had some dumbass lady who has a Ford Expedition who decided it would be a genius idea to SELL the car she has a lien on, illegally, because she's broke and filing for Bankruptcy. So I call her and tell the stupid broad she can and WILL go to jail if she doesn't get the car back. She gets it back....and calls us to tell us to come get it. I send my Tow Guy "J" to go pick it up....The MOTHERFUCKER is sitting on cinder blocks, with NO tires, and the stereo had been ripped out! I call this bitch back and tell her she can go ahead and put the tires and stereo she stole back on the car, or she will still go to jail...(Of course I had to tell this to her voicemail, because this bitch KNOWS she's in trouble and ignores my calls)....whore.

So I decide to go through and call her references to scare the shit out of her...I was only able to reach 2 out of 8 of them, and neither person had spoken to her in over a year..ONE of them she actually owes a lot of money to, and he told ME to have "that scary ho call me!" hahahahahaha!

Oh the joys of a buy here/pay here lot! Only an hour and 10 minutes before I am OUT of here for my weekly day off in which I will spend snuggling and playing with the sweetest, prettiest 7 month old in the entire world! My baby LUNA! <3

 nohope.org